i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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