Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
