I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
Randomize
