I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
