eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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