Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
His hands were made for my vagina.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
