i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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