Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
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