I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
