I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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