I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
