I'll bet she douches with gravy.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
