and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
