The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
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