My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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