You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
it was like eating out sand paper
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
