i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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