Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
