I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
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