he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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