so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
