tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Randomize
