The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
