my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
