So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
