She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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