Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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