If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
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