Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
