everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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