Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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