Your mouth is God's brothel.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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