I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
