I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Randomize
