She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
