I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
