U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize