I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Randomize
