Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
