i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
