Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
