I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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