Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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