Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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