my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
