my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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