what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
