i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Randomize
