I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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