i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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