i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Semen is not good for contacts.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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