I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
