The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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