how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
