I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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