Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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