So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
