Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
