My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
