i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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