I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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