I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
