My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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