Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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