i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
