I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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