I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
