Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
